Mommy? Why is there a Santa Claus?
Well, dear, Santa was born on December 25th, the same as Jesus. Since Jesus came to give the gifts of life and forgiveness to all men, Santa figured he, too, should bring presents to the world.
So he went to Australia and loaded a bunch of Pygmies onto his ships, put them in funny costumes, and called them elves. He taught them to speak English, trained them in carpentry, metalworking and welding, electronics, tailoring, book binding, and general contracting and instructed them to build a factory that rivaled even General Motors!
Santa then collected the catalogs from Sears, Macy's, Toys R Us, KB Toys, Brookstone, and all the other stores and instructed his elves to make many, many duplicates of all the items therein. Living at the north pole excluded Santa from copyright or trademark infringement.
Then he went to M.I.T. and, after some heated negotiation, convinced the good doctors there to make 12 flying reindeer. He brought these back to his compound at the north pole, which coincidentally is not under any country's jurisdiction in regard to labor laws (and surprisingly, PETA is not willing to travel that far), and placed his animals in a stable also built by his "elves." One of the reindeer, Rudolph, had a drinking problem, but luckily it made his nose glow bright red which helped on foggy nights so he didn't have to be put down.
You see, son, Santa needed to bring gifts to all the world, just like Jesus did! That is why Santa does not bring toys to North Korea, Iraq, or Iran.
Santa is a lot like the Easter Bunny. When Jesus was crucified by the Romans and Jews, there was a little rabbit that sat at the foot of the cross. That rabbit was given magical powers by Jesus to lay multi-colored eggs, which he did all over Calvary Hill. Later that week, all the good Christian children came up and found the eggs, and placed them in a basket, after which they counted them up to see how many each child had. The child with the most eggs was the most loved by God and he got to eat as much ham as he wanted because, as it turns out, he was not a Jewish convert like his school chums.
Now the rabbit also saw that the cross Jesus was on was made of wood. What color do you think the wood was? That's right it was brown! What else is brown? Chocolate! The very next year, the Easter Bunny not only hid eggs all over Jerusalem, but with some of them he hid chocolate. Eventually, Jesus inspired the Cadbury company to make cream filled eggs, as the magical Jesus rabbit was not granted eternal life...
Silly rabbit, tricks are for ids!
So you see, Christmas and Easter are really about the spirit of giving, and how Jesus came to save the world. But not dirty, terrorist Muslims.
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I wasn't going to post this but Ja-File said I should. Blame him... LOL
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4 comments:
Im so glad you decided to post this hilarious holiday blog. I always wondered what Easter eggs had to do with Jesus...lol.
There is also a South Park episode that pokes fun at the Easter Bunny and Jesus. It is episode 1105 called "Fantastic Easter Special."
This was amazing...im actually sitting in the Bayside Cafe reading this (if it was really from satin then shouldnt my computer have exploded?)
As much heresy as this is, I was still able to find it comic. The post was well written and funny.
Brava, it was enjoyable.
As usual - but not always- your comical way of seeing the world is in perfect harmony with your wit and ability to communicate your thoughts.
Just a thought: I wonder if the Easter Bunny wished sex didn't feel so good too..
T
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